to depart

departure

noun

        The action of leaving, especially to start a journey
        “the day of departure”

        synonyms: leaving, going, going away, going off,
                          leave-taking, withdrawal, exit, egress,
                          quitting, decamping, retreat,
                          retirement, retiral;flight, fleeing,
                          running away, desertion; setting off,
                          setting out, starting out

The hardest part about leaving my home country was to leave my family behind. As I remember it, I was only 22 years old when I first travel abroad “running after my dreams!” I was scared, very very scared! It was like going to a place you don’t even know where. The thought that I will be with my mom is the only comfort I have venturing into a different world. I left the Philippines numerous times. I usually cry! There are also some instances that I don’t but mostly, I feel bad “leaving!” No matter how bad I felt, I always get through with that feeling. Today is different. It feels like I quit. I retreat. I flee. It is like I was retiring from that responsibility of a daughter to her mom. Nothing compares with the burden I have right now for leaving home. It is worst than running away!

If only I can just stay. If only I can just be with you mom, I will. Sorry but I need to do this. Sorry for I cannot be with you longer than what you want. I promise
I will be back as soon as I can.

-cha

a heartbreaking chapter

In times of problems and difficulties in life, it’s just easy for us to say to others “Be strong!” But how do you tell that to yourself? How can you do it if the source of your strength is the one lying down in the hospital bed, looking so weak and vulnerable? How will you find comfort in words like “Everything will be okay?”   How do you prevent yourself from breaking down?

They say, “You will never know how strong you are until that is the only choice that you have.” That is what I’ve been doing this past 2 weeks, I am choosing to be strong. That is the only option I have right now. There is no place for weakness this time, for any sign of vulnerability might just pull me rock bottom. I need to be strong for my mom.  It breaks my heart to see her like this. At most times I’m just swallowing hard so I can hold back my tears. I don’t know how long I can hold on.

One way of distracting myself from the harsh reality is to read a book beside her, hoping this is just a bad chapter in one of the books I’ve read. I’ll just feel bad for a few moment then a new chapter full of hope and happiness will unfold...What if it’s not? What if it is not just a chapter?

-cha