I once said, I would never fall in love again but I did and I will forever be in love with you...

Moving on…

Hello world, its been a while. Finally, after 2 long years I am writing again. I really don’t know where to start because a lot has changed. 

2019 had been a bumpy ride. It was one of those very challenging times for me, I almost lost myself. I don’t want to give further details, but all I can say is that l’ve learned from my mistakes. It is mostly my fault, I will take full responsibility for that. However, l believed that It was bound to happen no matter how I prevent myself in having poor decisions that time. If there’s a chance for me to re-live those moments of weakness, I might have done something differently. If only I’ve been more honest to myself and to others about how I feel, It could have prevented me from doing that mistake. The thing is, how will I learn? I don’t think I’ll be stronger like this if I haven’t experienced that. 

Now, I’ve finally forgiven myself. I know I’ve hurt people, mostly those whom I love and loved. You know who you all are, I am so sorry for hurting you in an unimaginable way. I apologize for all my shortcomings. I am better now, I hope everyone is. Let’s move on and move forward. 💕

to depart

departure

noun

        The action of leaving, especially to start a journey
        “the day of departure”

        synonyms: leaving, going, going away, going off,
                          leave-taking, withdrawal, exit, egress,
                          quitting, decamping, retreat,
                          retirement, retiral;flight, fleeing,
                          running away, desertion; setting off,
                          setting out, starting out

The hardest part about leaving my home country was to leave my family behind. As I remember it, I was only 22 years old when I first travel abroad “running after my dreams!” I was scared, very very scared! It was like going to a place you don’t even know where. The thought that I will be with my mom is the only comfort I have venturing into a different world. I left the Philippines numerous times. I usually cry! There are also some instances that I don’t but mostly, I feel bad “leaving!” No matter how bad I felt, I always get through with that feeling. Today is different. It feels like I quit. I retreat. I flee. It is like I was retiring from that responsibility of a daughter to her mom. Nothing compares with the burden I have right now for leaving home. It is worst than running away!

If only I can just stay. If only I can just be with you mom, I will. Sorry but I need to do this. Sorry for I cannot be with you longer than what you want. I promise
I will be back as soon as I can.

-cha

a heartbreaking chapter

In times of problems and difficulties in life, it’s just easy for us to say to others “Be strong!” But how do you tell that to yourself? How can you do it if the source of your strength is the one lying down in the hospital bed, looking so weak and vulnerable? How will you find comfort in words like “Everything will be okay?”   How do you prevent yourself from breaking down?

They say, “You will never know how strong you are until that is the only choice that you have.” That is what I’ve been doing this past 2 weeks, I am choosing to be strong. That is the only option I have right now. There is no place for weakness this time, for any sign of vulnerability might just pull me rock bottom. I need to be strong for my mom.  It breaks my heart to see her like this. At most times I’m just swallowing hard so I can hold back my tears. I don’t know how long I can hold on.

One way of distracting myself from the harsh reality is to read a book beside her, hoping this is just a bad chapter in one of the books I’ve read. I’ll just feel bad for a few moment then a new chapter full of hope and happiness will unfold...What if it’s not? What if it is not just a chapter?

-cha

back door

But paradise is locked and bolted...

We must make a journey around the world

to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

➖HEINRICH VON KLEIST

we are here to learn

"We're all here to learn something. Sometimes we learn it in the worst possible way. Sometimes we have to face something we don't think we can live through in order to show ourselves that we can live through hell and still come out on the other side." ---If I Could Turn Back Time by Beth Harbison.

losing touch with reality

It is almost a year since I started working in an Alzheimer's unit. We know the fact that this disease causes forgetfulness to a point where the person no longer remembers his/her own memories, loved ones and even how to do simple things like eating, dressing oneself and toileting. I've seen different faces of it. It steals a person's right to live a normal and quality life. Conversations are replaced with blank stares and repetitive words or phrases. Coherent thoughts wander off to somewhere else. It causes a person to lose touch with reality and be lost in his/her own world.

The daily experience of interacting with people who have Alzheimer's disease changes you. It somehow changed me. It brought me  a lot of realizations in life. It widened my understanding and patience. It allows me to be grateful to the things I can still do for myself. I hold on to my memories may it be good or bad. I value more my freedom and independence now more than ever. I cherish every moment I spend with family and friends.

Sad to say but this can happen to me or to anyone that I know. Thinking about this, I want to tell the world that behind the distorted reality there is still a person who would want to feel loved and cared for.

Please spare a little time to know me as a person so you can help me better when I can no longer do anything for myself:

1. My name is Charo but you can call me "Cha". Please don't use any other names or labels that you want.

2. I like colourful clothes. I love red, blue and yellow but pink is my favourite colour. Allow me to choose the clothes I want to wear if I am still able to do so. I prefer dresses over pants but not if it's too cold. You can put layers of clothing because at most times I feel cold and I may not be able to say it.

3. Most of my life, I have long hair and I would like it that way. You can cut it if you want but please make sure that it's not too short. I always like it braided and use some of my colourful hair accessories. I love wearing headbands and I would be delighted if you can match it with my outfit.

4. I wear glasses so kindly put it on me or allow me to wear it myself. I might not be able to see your face if I don't wear one.

5. I am not good in direction and I know that well so you might want to always redirect me to my room or my environment. Sorry if I am taking most of your time but this is who I am and I can't help it so please help me find my way.

6. Toilet me more often, I might forget to pee. Find time for me so I can have a bowel movement and
kindly clean me good enough so I won't be scratching down there.

7. I love arts. I love doing scrapbooks and artworks. I know that I will not be able to do some anymore but please sit down with me and together we can browse some of my creations. Allow me to participate in activities like colouring and painting.

8. Decorate my room. I would really appreciate it if you place my most lovely picture at the door or the night stand. Display my paintings at the wall, I might stop to look at it. Place picture of me and my family all over my room.

9. I collect stuff toys. Kindly place some of my favourite ones on my bed so I can hug them at night.

10. I sleep better when lights are close. You don't need to worry because I am not afraid of the dark.

11. Sing for me when words are not enough.


Please love and care for me even if I’m losing touch with reality. -CHA-