Friday, February 14, 2025

Tiny toes I'll never count

I took a pregnancy test on Jan 28 and it was positive but it was still faint. I’m using an app on my phone to note my period but for some unknown reason I must have forgotten to mark down the date of my last menstrual cycle. When I finally changed the app to pregnancy mode it showed that my expected delivery date will be on September 8, 2025. Me and my husband were both excited to have another baby. We both wanted it and we both prayed for it. We were trying since we went to Philippines last October 2024 and I can say that It wasn’t as stressful as it was the first time. 


On February 2, I started having brownish discharges. It’s just scant so I was not so worried at that time. I had it for 2-3 days and it stopped. I thought at first that it was implantation bleeding but google says that it will not occur before a positive pregnancy test. Only after implantation bleeding stops and a missed period, our body will produce enough HCG that can be detected by pregnancy test. 


I did another test on February 4 and it was positive again, the line is more distinct now. I know I was pregnant, I can feel it. Early pregnancy symptoms (nausea, breast tenderness and lower back pain) started kicking in as well. I’m happy, excited and anxious at the same time. Happy that finally our prayer was answered once again; Excited for another bundle of joy; Anxious about pregnancy and delivery ahead. We started sharing the news with some family, friends and co-workers. They were all happy to hear the good news. 


February 10 after my day shift, I was complaining of lower back pain, it was more intense. I rested after work but it’s not getting any better. Light spotting and cramps began that same night. I was in bed praying to God to give me and my baby strength to face anything that might happen. At 2:00 am of February 11, I started bleeding from brownish to bright red blood. It’s like having a period, I was using the night pad and it was soaked. I was already passing blood clots at that time. I cried and I prayed. In the afternoon, I went to see my family doctor and she advised me to rest and take it easy and go for a blood test just to confirm the pregnancy so as to have an idea how far along am I. I might have to go for an emergency ultrasound she said. I was waiting for the result the next day, I continue to have heavy bleeds with clots and severe abdominal cramps and lower back pain. The following day, the bleeding is getting heavier. I followed up for the result but unfortunately there was no doctor available. We went to Grace Emergency and waited for more than 7 hours. I had blood works and ultrasound. That is when they told me that there was pregnancy loss. 


-cha- 

Until we meet again



Goodbye baby. I guess you’re not destined to be with me in this world but with all the angels above watching us over. Apart from the excruciating pain my body is enduring right now, my heart is in deep agony. I hope you know that I love you even before you became another answered prayer. I love you even before the second line in pregnancy test was visible. I love you even before all the early symptoms I felt.
 I love you even before I lost you. 

I know that life will always find a way to bloom again till then I’ll be hoping and praying. 

-cha-

Thursday, August 31, 2023

 I once said, I would never fall in love again but I did and I will forever be in love with you...






Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Moving on…

Hello world, its been a while. Finally, after 2 long years I am writing again. I really don’t know where to start because a lot has changed. 


2019 had been a bumpy ride. It was one of those very challenging times for me, I almost lost myself. I don’t want to give further details, but all I can say is that l’ve learned from my mistakes. It is mostly my fault, I will take full responsibility for that. However, l believed that It was bound to happen no matter how I prevent myself in having poor decisions that time. If there’s a chance for me to re-live those moments of weakness, I might have done something differently. If only I’ve been more honest to myself and to others about how I feel, It could have prevented me from doing that mistake. The thing is, how will I learn? I don’t think I’ll be stronger like this if I haven’t experienced that. 


Now, I’ve finally forgiven myself. I know I’ve hurt people, mostly those whom I love and loved. You know who you all are, I am so sorry for hurting you in an unimaginable way. I apologize for all my shortcomings. I am better now, I hope everyone is. Let’s move on and move forward. 💕


-cha

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

to depart



departure

noun

        The action of leaving, especially to start a journey
        “the day of departure”

        synonyms: leaving, going, going away, going off,
                          leave-taking, withdrawal, exit, egress,
                          quitting, decamping, retreat,
                          retirement, retiral;flight, fleeing,
                          running away, desertion; setting off,
                          setting out, starting out

The hardest part about leaving my home country was to leave my family behind. As I remember it, I was only 22 years old when I first travel abroad “running after my dreams!” I was scared, very very scared! It was like going to a place you don’t even know where. The thought that I will be with my mom is the only comfort I have venturing into a different world. I left the Philippines numerous times. I usually cry! There are also some instances that I don’t but mostly, I feel bad “leaving!” No matter how bad I felt, I always get through with that feeling. Today is different. It feels like I quit. I retreat. I flee. It is like I was retiring from that responsibility of a daughter to her mom. Nothing compares with the burden I have right now for leaving home. It is worst than running away!

If only I can just stay. If only I can just be with you mom, I will. Sorry but I need to do this. Sorry for I cannot be with you longer than what you want. I promise
I will be back as soon as I can.

-cha

Thursday, May 3, 2018

a heartbreaking chapter

In times of problems and difficulties in life, it’s just easy for us to say to others “Be strong!” But how do you tell that to yourself? How can you do it if the source of your strength is the one lying down in the hospital bed, looking so weak and vulnerable? How will you find comfort in words like “Everything will be okay?”   How do you prevent yourself from breaking down?

They say, “You will never know how strong you are until that is the only choice that you have.” That is what I’ve been doing this past 2 weeks, I am choosing to be strong. That is the only option I have right now. There is no place for weakness this time, for any sign of vulnerability might just pull me rock bottom. I need to be strong for my mom.  It breaks my heart to see her like this. At most times I’m just swallowing hard so I can hold back my tears. I don’t know how long I can hold on.

One way of distracting myself from the harsh reality is to read a book beside her, hoping this is just a bad chapter in one of the books I’ve read. I’ll just feel bad for a few moment then a new chapter full of hope and happiness will unfold...What if it’s not? What if it is not just a chapter?

-cha

Sunday, April 29, 2018

back door

But paradise is locked and bolted...
We must make a journey around the world
to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

➖HEINRICH VON KLEIST