Alone

reflective journal 3

DAY 3 (November 6, 2012)

  

I was on the process of doing an interview with my patient, clarifying some things regarding his health perception, when he told me that he knew that he has diabetes since long time, and I can see how he is feeling sad about it. Probably, when he was diagnosed with such condition, it was his “wake up call”.

We do value different wake-up call in life. There are significant events which shake us and give us the realization that there is something wrong. There comes a certain point in our life that we are forced to change. Sometimes we tend to live life the way we wanted it to be not remembering that there are some limitations in what we can and must do. Just like in the case of the people who were diagnosed with health disorders. Once they knew for the first time that they have this kind of disease/condition, whatever it is, it might influence them to change their lifestyle and reflect what had gone wrong with the way they live their life. Sometimes, we thought that we are living a perfect life and nothing could go wrong but in reality that is not the case.

I remember when my dad had his stroke; I was in my second year the time it happened. I clearly remembered how I felt that time. I was devastated. I feel like I was in an unfamiliar place and I was asking myself whether this is really happening. I was hoping that this will end and that we will be able to live the life we are living and nothing will change. Of course I was wrong. I was force to face the reality after that event, life will be different for my dad and for us as a family. I was feeling sorry for him. I wanted to blame him for being so irresponsible and for not taking care of his health. But who am I to do that, in fact I was also blaming myself for what happened. If only I could do something. It was a horrible wake up call for me because he was my source of strength and with what happened I knew it was my turn to be strong for him.

My patient undergone debridement of the gangrenous lesion in his right heel. Although no matter how many times he was given this kind of wake-up call, I just hope that he will value it this time before he will feel sorry in the end.

Charo Adame

reflective journal 2

DAY 2 (November 5, 2012)

Today, my patient was posted for debridement of the gangrenous lesion in his right heel. One of his co-workers had visited him and was asking about his condition. They had a short conversation but I can observe that he was happy and thankful about it that finally someone visited him and that someone cares. But I knew he would be happier if his family is here to support him. Since they were all in Pakistan, no one will be here for him today. No one will be able to tell him that everything will be okay. Although, I can do that for him, it will not be the same as his family’s support and assurance. I feel bad for his condition. I knew he can get through with it but the situation would be easier for him if they are here. 

His situation brings me to a realization that “there are some walks in our life that we have to take alone.” There are some decisions that we need to decide on our own. Although we have our support system, our family and friends to be there for us, there will come a time that we will be facing some problems and issues alone and we should decide for ourselves. Is it part of growing up or reality itself? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Whatever it is, whenever it will come, we should be prepared for it.

I grew up with my parents who were very supportive with what I want and what I do. They were always there to stand for every decision I make. They were there to give their opinions and what they think is right. I always ask for their guidance but sometimes because of so much support from them I feel do dependent. I was once faced with difficulty in deciding for myself. I find it hard to decide alone. That’s why I fear that day when I will be walking and taking a step by my own. I don’t know if I would be prepared for it, I knew I need to be.

I wanted to be there for my patient, I wanted him to feel that he is not alone. But who am I to him, probably he is thinking that I was just a student nurse who was there for just the sake of completing my requirements. If only I could communicate with him a little deeper. If only I can fully express to him that I know what he feels right now, maybe he will feel a little better.

Charo Adame

reflective journal day 1

Day 1 (November 4, 2012)

It was nice to be a student again, I survived my first day of duty in my so-called “student life”. I was a bit nervous at first knowing that I would be working in a totally new place with new set of people. It went well; the staff there had been really helpful and friendly with me. But what overwhelmed me is the census of patient. 52! Whoa! Comparing to the hospital where I am working right now, it is a whole lot of number. It is almost four times our usual patient census. Well, the staff here had been really working a lot that makes them very knowledgeable and expert in their field.

In my life as a nurse and as a student, I’ve met a lot of people dealing with Diabetes. There are some who are managing it well, being positive in every way and seeing it in a different light. There are those who let the condition take over their life, simply believing that they cannot do anything about it and that their life is over. Worst of all, there are those who deny it and simply go along with what they want in life, not worried at all with the dangers diabetes can bring and its complication. Who am I to judge them? I know nothing about how they feel and how the condition of being diabetic changed their life. All I know is that it somehow pain them to answer me, every time I will ask “When did you lost your limb?” My patient’s left big toe was amputated 2 years ago but still he doesn't look comfortable discussing it with me.

I can say that the disease process of diabetes can be understood easily by reading and studying but the pain it brings to the life of those who are diagnosed is very hard to describe. How much more those who had been amputated and had lost a part of their body? I cannot imagine myself in that kind of situation. Losing a precious part of our body, even how small it is, is indeed very difficult to accept. Perhaps it is the same feeling as loosing someone who you valued the most. Although you can get through it, you will never be the same and complete again.

I've been asking myself, what can I do to help this man? How do I tell him that everything will be okay? And that he can get through it? How do I communicate with him the importance of lifestyle modification in managing diabetes without feeling so much sorry for his condition and without sounding like I am blaming it on him? That’s the part I need to learn as a nurse. I guess the most valuable thing I can just do for him is to let him know that he is not alone in this battle and that there is someone who cares to help him get through with it. If we cannot do anything to lighten their burden then let’s just help them to have a strong back so they can endure the weight of what they had been carrying.

aral ng buhay

sa aking paglilibot libot sa internet, marami akong nabasa at nakita ngunit ito lamang ang nakapagpangiti sa aking labi at puso.

mga nakatutuwang aral mula kay BOB ONG.

“Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

“Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka..”

“Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

“Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

“Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka.”

“Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

“Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

“Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa’yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walangnapatunayan at bait sa sarili”

“Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa’yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?”

“Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

“bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali, alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?”

“nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures.”

alone has beauty

I do not know if you have ever been lonely; when you suddenly realize that you have no relationship with anybody - not an intellectual realization but a factual realization...and you are completely isolated. Every form of thought and emotion is blocked; you cannot turn anywhere; there is nobody to turn to; the gods, the angels, have all gone beyond the clouds and, as the clouds vanish they have also vanished; you are completely lonely - I will not use the word alone. Alone has quite a different meaning; alone has beauty. To be alone means something entirely different. And you must be alone. When man frees himself from the social structure of greed, envy, ambition, arrogance, achievement, status - when he frees himself from those, then he is completely alone. That is quite a different thing. Then there is great beauty, the feeling of great energy.
Alone Has Beauty - The Book of Life (December 1)