to depart

departure

noun

        The action of leaving, especially to start a journey
        “the day of departure”

        synonyms: leaving, going, going away, going off,
                          leave-taking, withdrawal, exit, egress,
                          quitting, decamping, retreat,
                          retirement, retiral;flight, fleeing,
                          running away, desertion; setting off,
                          setting out, starting out

The hardest part about leaving my home country was to leave my family behind. As I remember it, I was only 22 years old when I first travel abroad “running after my dreams!” I was scared, very very scared! It was like going to a place you don’t even know where. The thought that I will be with my mom is the only comfort I have venturing into a different world. I left the Philippines numerous times. I usually cry! There are also some instances that I don’t but mostly, I feel bad “leaving!” No matter how bad I felt, I always get through with that feeling. Today is different. It feels like I quit. I retreat. I flee. It is like I was retiring from that responsibility of a daughter to her mom. Nothing compares with the burden I have right now for leaving home. It is worst than running away!

If only I can just stay. If only I can just be with you mom, I will. Sorry but I need to do this. Sorry for I cannot be with you longer than what you want. I promise
I will be back as soon as I can.

-cha

a heartbreaking chapter

In times of problems and difficulties in life, it’s just easy for us to say to others “Be strong!” But how do you tell that to yourself? How can you do it if the source of your strength is the one lying down in the hospital bed, looking so weak and vulnerable? How will you find comfort in words like “Everything will be okay?”   How do you prevent yourself from breaking down?

They say, “You will never know how strong you are until that is the only choice that you have.” That is what I’ve been doing this past 2 weeks, I am choosing to be strong. That is the only option I have right now. There is no place for weakness this time, for any sign of vulnerability might just pull me rock bottom. I need to be strong for my mom.  It breaks my heart to see her like this. At most times I’m just swallowing hard so I can hold back my tears. I don’t know how long I can hold on.

One way of distracting myself from the harsh reality is to read a book beside her, hoping this is just a bad chapter in one of the books I’ve read. I’ll just feel bad for a few moment then a new chapter full of hope and happiness will unfold...What if it’s not? What if it is not just a chapter?

-cha

back door

But paradise is locked and bolted...

We must make a journey around the world

to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

➖HEINRICH VON KLEIST

we are here to learn

"We're all here to learn something. Sometimes we learn it in the worst possible way. Sometimes we have to face something we don't think we can live through in order to show ourselves that we can live through hell and still come out on the other side." ---If I Could Turn Back Time by Beth Harbison.

losing touch with reality

It is almost a year since I started working in an Alzheimer's unit. We know the fact that this disease causes forgetfulness to a point where the person no longer remembers his/her own memories, loved ones and even how to do simple things like eating, dressing oneself and toileting. I've seen different faces of it. It steals a person's right to live a normal and quality life. Conversations are replaced with blank stares and repetitive words or phrases. Coherent thoughts wander off to somewhere else. It causes a person to lose touch with reality and be lost in his/her own world.

The daily experience of interacting with people who have Alzheimer's disease changes you. It somehow changed me. It brought me  a lot of realizations in life. It widened my understanding and patience. It allows me to be grateful to the things I can still do for myself. I hold on to my memories may it be good or bad. I value more my freedom and independence now more than ever. I cherish every moment I spend with family and friends.

Sad to say but this can happen to me or to anyone that I know. Thinking about this, I want to tell the world that behind the distorted reality there is still a person who would want to feel loved and cared for.

Please spare a little time to know me as a person so you can help me better when I can no longer do anything for myself:

1. My name is Charo but you can call me "Cha". Please don't use any other names or labels that you want.

2. I like colourful clothes. I love red, blue and yellow but pink is my favourite colour. Allow me to choose the clothes I want to wear if I am still able to do so. I prefer dresses over pants but not if it's too cold. You can put layers of clothing because at most times I feel cold and I may not be able to say it.

3. Most of my life, I have long hair and I would like it that way. You can cut it if you want but please make sure that it's not too short. I always like it braided and use some of my colourful hair accessories. I love wearing headbands and I would be delighted if you can match it with my outfit.

4. I wear glasses so kindly put it on me or allow me to wear it myself. I might not be able to see your face if I don't wear one.

5. I am not good in direction and I know that well so you might want to always redirect me to my room or my environment. Sorry if I am taking most of your time but this is who I am and I can't help it so please help me find my way.

6. Toilet me more often, I might forget to pee. Find time for me so I can have a bowel movement and
kindly clean me good enough so I won't be scratching down there.

7. I love arts. I love doing scrapbooks and artworks. I know that I will not be able to do some anymore but please sit down with me and together we can browse some of my creations. Allow me to participate in activities like colouring and painting.

8. Decorate my room. I would really appreciate it if you place my most lovely picture at the door or the night stand. Display my paintings at the wall, I might stop to look at it. Place picture of me and my family all over my room.

9. I collect stuff toys. Kindly place some of my favourite ones on my bed so I can hug them at night.

10. I sleep better when lights are close. You don't need to worry because I am not afraid of the dark.

11. Sing for me when words are not enough.


Please love and care for me even if I’m losing touch with reality. -CHA-

Missing the Warmth of UAE

It was just like yesterday when I was new in United Arab Emirates.  Looking back 7 years ago, I had the same feeling of not-knowing-what’s-going-to-happen in my new life in a new environment, with new people with whole new different culture. Yes, it was just like “a whole new world” to me as if I’m on a magic carpet ride except that it was not a shining, shimmering, splendid environment for me.

From the islands of the Philippines, I was stuck in the mysterious deserts of UAE. It was scary at first; not knowing what will happen with you is really scary. But as time goes by, I was able to adapt with the place, the people, the culture and the weather. I started to love the people and friends I met along the way, learned to eat whatever food is generously offered to me, I was also able to get used with the work.

I had my own share of difficulties and trials but I was able to go through with it, thanks to the help and support of my mom, my family, my brothers and sister, my bf and my friends. UAE had been my second home and had given me lots of memories to treasure and hold on to.

It is where I was able to spend more time with my Mom. To my mom, who’s always there to support my every decision, for your unconditional love and for giving me so much freedom that had allowed me to discover myself and what I am capable of doing. Thank you so much. I miss you and I love you.

I lost my dad. It is in UAE, where my dad struggled for his last breath. To you dad, know that I will always love you. I just hope I could still share the joy of having all these blessings in my life. I miss you.

I met my most favorite friend. It is in here where I met my most beloved friend. To you Mine, thanks for giving me the courage to face anything. For your optimistic view in life, I was able get through with all my negative thoughts and make decisions without holding back.  Please don’t give up on us. God will find a way for us to be together again.

I came to know how blessed I am. Thankful that I was given the chance to serve you Lord. I once believe that it’s up to me to choose whatever I like and whatever it is that will make my life better. But we don’t get to choose what’s best for us. God has own way of giving us what’s best in such a perfect way and timing. You just have to PUSH, Pray Until Something Happens!

I met wonderful and amazing friends to treasure forever. To all my Khorfakkan friends and family, you all hold a place in my heart and I want to thank you all for everything, for the friendship, for being with me through wonderful and tearful times. Thank you. Thank you and babait ninyo.

Another thing to be thankful for is my experience as a nurse here in UAE. As you may know, it was my first hospital experience and I am really grateful for the opportunity that had been given to me. Through the years of caring for patients in different walks of life, I learned to understand what Madeleine Leininger's Transcultural Nursing Theory is all about. Love and Caring is universal, regardless of culture and tradition. To all my colleagues in Khorfakkan Hospital, Thank you!

To UAE, thanks for the wonderful opportunity! Hoping to visit you soon!

Happy NEW YEAR and happy NEW LIFE to all!

that hurtful moment

Hello world, it has been so long since I updated you with what’s going on with me. Perhaps, I was indeed very busy with my “happy-and-almost-perfect life” (that was I thought). Well, in between there are problems and difficulties arising but I can say it was absolutely great. I felt happy and contented because it seems like everything is just so right and that God has blessed me with more than I deserve. Yes I thanked Him for everything.

But then, not all travel is smooth sailing. Not all journeys are hassle-free. Life is never without hurtful moments. Life is never without pain. The very reason that I am writing this post is not so inspiring, not at all. Yes something went wrong. Sorry I can’t tell you the exact details but I just want to let go of what I am feeling right now. I just need someone who will listen because I could not take it all alone. I might just breakdown.

I feel betrayed. I feel unloved. I feel scared.

I wanted to get even. I wanted to share my pain.

I thought I was okay. I thought I can just easily forgive and forget. But it was not that easy. In fact, it was the most difficult part of experiencing pain, the forgiving part. You can’t leave the fact that only by forgiving the person who hurts you will allow you to actually go through and get over with the pain and start healing. Yes forgiving and forgetting is the most difficult thing to do because you have to swallow your pride and act as if nothing had ever happened. It is so hard, but it is the most liberating part. It will allow you to truly move on and get on with your life. 

I guess it will take a lot of time to do such thing and I’m hoping to be there soon.